(this particular event took place my first year)
It begins with dear old Jafario, an apathetic space cadet with a sweet, roly poly face and a tummy to match. I had been having issues with the kid all year. Nothing crazy, just the kinds of issues that begin innocently enough, but then slowly begin to accumulate. The kind that, as a first year teacher, you don't even realize are issues until the situation is way too ripe (rotten?) to salvage. The kind that get under your skin and stay there, eating away at you, like scabies. They fester and simmer and lie in wait, until soon enough, you realize... you want to gut the little Satan mini-me like a tuna fish.
Jafario's most bothersome issue was in fact, 'bothering'. Simply put, he could not and would not leave anyone alone. It wasn't loud obnoxious bothering; it was what you could say, bein' all up in other people's bizness. Constantly touching other students' things, asking to borrow sharpeners, erasers, passing mindless notes, playing with his tenth tech deck* (I had already confiscated the other nine....)
Not surprisingly, all the hapless fidgeting landed Jafario at a table all by himself. His desk was separated from everyone else's so he couldn't bother them. Obviously, this only worked in theory, so after a couple weeks of that, I separated Jafario even further from the rest of his classmates-- I gave him an island. On the carpet way in the back right corner of the room. Everyone else got to sit with four people to a table, facing the front of the room, backs turned; Jafario on the other hand, had to stare at their backs and manually lift and move his desk off the carpet island each time I brought the class over to sit on the rug. For him, it was like moving to Siberia. And that's where Jafario was. Siberia. Side note to all you do-gooder teachers out there who are no doubt mumbling, "that's bad teaching, you're humiliating the child and you're isolating him from his peers and from learning!" I say: 1) Oh just wait, it gets worse and 2) Fuck You. You would have run away from my school with your head on fire.
But I digress.
So there's Jafario, living in Siberia, unable to talk to anyone and thus also unable to ask for a pencil...obviously this child has none of his own. So not only is he sitting alone in Siberia, he's sitting there twiddling his thumbs, brain off--which is a separate, absolutely maddening issue all on it's own. (Note: my biggest pet peeve as a teacher is students who keep their brains on SLEEP mode and put no more effort into schoolwork than is required to breathe...)
At this point in the year I had been practicing pencil strategy #1, so I just kept giving Jafario pencils. It got to the point where he would lose his pencil during a lesson: he would have it at the beginning of math, but by the end, come time for independent work, it would magically (or perhaps coincidentally?) vanish. Where did it go? I never could figure it out. Did he eat it? Did he shove it up his ass? I am forever baffled.
So at some point, I got so fed up with this shitstain child (thank you Chelsea Handler), that I did something totally lunatic.
I got some Velcro and three long pieces of string. I put one piece of Velcro on the top right corner of his desk. I put another piece on the top left corner. I then put another sliver on each side of his desk. Then I got four freshly sharpened pencils and put the matching Velcro pieces on the pencils and soundly attached all four pencils to his desk. But what was the string for, you ask. Well my mission did not stop there. I tied one of the long strings to a pencil (we are up to five now) and taped the string to his desk, right by one of his Velcro pencils. The last piece of shorter string was tied...to a pencil... and then...uhhh.... to his wrist (this particular pencil was not sharp, I promise...although a small part of me wish it had been...razor sharp...).
Corporal punishment? Poss. But let me tell you, with seven...SIX pencils all at his immediate disposal, it was only a matter of a few days before they were all either lost or chewed up. Someone needs to invent a word for 'punishment to teacher caused my disobedient, sadistic children'.
Pros: Quite an amusing experiment at the expense of an extremely annoying bowling ball of a child.
Cons: Requires amounts of Velcro and string that I, as only one individual, cannot realistically supply.
Failed: What else can I possibly do?!? What Else?!
I GIVE UP, DAMN IT!
* It's easier to explain a tech deck through a picture, rather than words:
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| Tech deck, a.k.a. annoying mini skateboard. The inventor should be fined and spanked. |
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