Y da hellz kant yuu spell bettah??? Dayyummm!

Regret #3:  Discovering the way my students write in real life

I don't read my Facebook News Feed thingy.  That's because 95% of the things that come through it are stupid shit my kids say. And the stupid shit my kids say is of no interest to me.  Unfortunately, the sheer volume of shit they post is so absurdly high that occasionally, my eyes (disobeying the strict directions of my brain) read a post or two.

And when that happens, it's like a stab to the teacher-heart.  Their spelling is just so damn atrocious!  There's no way it qualifies as English.
The spelling lessons, homework, tests, cutting up pieces of paper with similarly-sounding words on them and rearranging the pieces in different groups (yea, that's the 'creative, interactive' bullshit they make kids do to 'learn' these days)....  all those hours! All that work! For what?! Ahhhh a waste! A fucking waste!

To honor the mess my students have made with their written English skills, here is an abridged, not even close to fully inclusive, mini-lesson in decoding Self-proclaimed Badass Kids' Online Speak:

The letter q replaces the letter g

example: "lookinq cute" or "omq what's qood with the lipstick"

uu replaces ou
example: "i c yuu"

dh or d- replaces th
example: "I have more dhan yuu" or "dhat's how much i love yuu" or "have yuu seen dis"

mii replaces me
example: "talk to mii"

mahh replaced mad or my
example: "dhat's mahh funny!" or "yuu mahh best friend"

knoe replaces know
 example: "did yuu knoe it mahh birthday"

-variations of the include: dha, da
-variations of girl include: gurl, ghurl, ghurll 

It's truly a complex language that the street-savvy urban child has mastered by 5th grade and that the younger, urban toddler aspires to learn before his 10th birthday.

I, on the other hand, would be perfectly content to shoot their fingers straight off their hands and call it a day.


Here is the fruit of all my fucking troubles:

 






There is this one theory in the teaching world that kids' use of social media is helpful to their education.  Pundits (oh and you can guarantee these assholes haven't had any interaction with a public school kid in the last 20 years, or ever, for that matter) claim that all the brief writing kids do on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and while texting, is actually beneficial to them-- it improves their writing skills and makes them smarter or some shit like that.  However, after reading my kids' Facebook posts, I think we can all agree that:
1) this theory is WRONG
2) social media/texting is making my kids dumber (or at the very least encouraging bad habits that will inevitably transfer to their school work)
3) once these education experts see my evidence, they will undoubtedly agree with what I've said. (And make me queen of education theory.)

Facebooking with Students = Cringe

Oh there are so many more problems besides the ambiguity of 'pokes' when it comes to Facebooking with students.  Here's one of the tamer ones that mostly just makes me laugh but also makes me think: what the fuck are you doing?

Regret #2:  Seeing their Facebook 'names.'

There must be some unwritten rule I'm unaware of, amongst my kids, anyway. Apparently, its way cooler to make up weird-ass nicknames for yourself, instead of go by your real name. 

- Sweet, innocent, awesome Kaitlyn is now commonly referred to as  'ooBl0w Fishoo'. One can only surmise what that means. Can you imagine what I thought when double-o 'Blow Fish' messaged me the other day?

- Michael, a delightfully smart and witty kid with a blindingly bright future, has officially changed his last name to 'Bigg Boii Swaggs' (after all, if it's on Facebook, it's official right?) and previously: 'Dha Assassin'.  Surriously? Gang-member already? You're not even going to wait until high school?

- Peterson, a kid for whom I have the utmost respect as a talented, passionate, caring human being; but who unfortunately maintained an ultra-dork status in elementary school (he tried and tried to shake it but just couldn't) has chosen to add 'Cheese' as his middle name (you see why he couldn't shake the 'dork' title now).

- Mariel, clueless, adorable kid, prefers the nickname 'Princess Senarina.' Fine, it is what it is... but guess what her mother's name is? AfriKan PriNcess. And her listed skills? Knowledge of English and Pig Latin.  Swear to God. 


Sheesh.

Advice on being Poked by Boys

I'd like you to take a moment to consider a make-believe scene.  It would hypothetically take place circa 2006, while I was still in college:

[Sitting in sweatpants at my desk in my room staring at my laptop, freaking out that I've been 'poked']

 Me: What does this mean?! OMG he totallly has a crush on me...right? Shit, what do I do? Do I poke back?  I don't want him to think I like him...!

[Roommates come running from their rooms to advise-- one of them wearing a dashing pink multi-purposed tennis/pajama skirt-- the two of them, each hovered over my right and left shoulders, staring at my computer screen, glaring at the 'Poke Back' button, sizing it up, thinking, playing out various scenarios, turning it over in their minds...]

Meredith: I would not poke him back but maybe you could write him a message saying something neutral in emotion [like hey, hows it going!]...but do it after 2 weeks so he knows you're not really into him. So he knows you think of him as a friend only, but that you don't hate him or anything like that either. If he keeps writing back, then ignore him, you don't want to give him the wrong idea. 

Charlotte: Yea, I definitely agree.

If you're on Facebook (and who isn't these days), you've undoubtedly been in this situation. 

Now, this exchange isn't completely fictional, and in fact, its mostly true.  However, it didn't involve 'Meredith' (or Charlotte) and it wasn't in college.

So then... who was it? And when?

My father. Yesterday.  After reading my last blog post about the dangers I encountered (and dodged, thank you) with the baffling "Poke" button on Facebook as it pertains to my students.  Of course, this "poke back" scenario happened months ago, and in writing the blog entry, I wasn't asking for advice; but as it is in a good father's blood to guide and advise their children, no matter our age-- my father thus played his part. To that end, he provided the below recommendations, next steps, and  prepped me for immediate execution. 

Here's my dad's original quote. All you have to do is substitute the word friend for student and paraphrase a tiny bit and it's eerily similar to Fake-College-Meredith's advice from above:

"If I were you, I would not poke him back, but, I would write him a note telling him something good [like, a good boring book, or short lecture on a boring subject].....but do it after 2 weeks so he knows he's not high on your priority.  So he knows you think of him as a student only, and you don't hate him or anything like that.  If he keeps writing back, then ignore him."

I have to say, it made me laugh, as I never knew my rather rigid, quite protective, Chinese father could come off sounding so much like a college-aged girl. 

Bravo dad, bravo.

CDPW48JTADYU

Facebooking with Students = Confusion, Risk

Having accumulated almost 20 former students as confirmed Facebook 'friends' and having turned down countless other 'requests' by their siblings and by students I didn't actually have in class-- whose FB comments, pics, and every move still appear in my Feed for some unexplainable reason; I'm having a few regrets. Here's the first:   


Regret #1: Pokes
I've been on Facebook for over seven years now, and I have never ever understood the concept-- or more importantly, the implications-- of 'poking' someone. If they poke you, what does it mean? Is it a simple innocent, "hello! long time no see!" Or is it a shy man's version of putting yourself out there and declaring you have a crush? Is it a flirtatious action? Is the act of 'poking' some sort of sexual innuendo??? And furthermore... does it require a response? All these questions have gone unanswered in almost a decade of Facebook use; but frankly, it didn't bother me all that much.  In the past, when one of these illusive actions has been taken upon my profile, I'd figured whoever poked me (usually a boy) could interpret my decision to 'poke back' or not 'poke back' in whatever manner they wished. However! When I become aware that a former male student of mine as 'poked' me, I panic. SHIT.

My dilemma is such:
- If I don't 'poke back', I'm concerned the student (who was a huge trouble-maker and who deserved 176 punches in the face-- one for every day he was in school) will think I don't like him, when in reality, despite his supreme dickheadedness as a student, I really liked him as a kid/person.
- If I do 'poke back', since I myself don't know what 'poking' actually means and I certainly don't trust his understanding of what a 'poke' is, I'm concerned this student will think I like him-like him, or something twisted like that.

Unfortunately, I'd rather he thought I hated him than believed me to have some sick crush on him, so his 'poke' as yet remains, and will continue to be, ignored.

An Innocent Foray into Facebooking with Students- Rules of Engagement

While I was a teacher, I refused to 'accept' my students' attempt to 'friend' me on Facebook. It was weird/awkward/unsettling for me and so I did not consider it. I had no interest in:
a) reading their poorly-spelled, poorly-articulated thoughts
b) communicating with them after school (after all, I saw them all day, every day, helpmejesus)

However, now that I am 'retired' shall we say, from teaching-- I MISS my students! Tremendously!  Being their slave driver was no fun, but I LOVED all of them so much as hilarious little goofball kids.  I don't get to see them every day (in fact, I will most likely never see them ever again), and despite rational thought, this devastates me!  I desperately wish I could keep tabs on all of them, encourage them to get involved in school activities, show them unbridled support, make sure they're all still on the right (well, at least decent) track, and scold them into shape if they're not. To be honest, not seeing my kids every single day has been (yes, the best, but more importantly,) the hardest part of not being a teacher.
In my post-teaching career, I therefor view Facebook as a medium of communication between my former students and I.  They're on it all the time, so I figure I can chat with them online and ask them questions about school to confirm they're still alive and enrolled *fingers crossed.*  I've come to realize that Facebook may in fact provide the single most plausible opportunity to have a quasi-continuing impact on their lives, beyond just the year or two they spent in my classroom.

So, the day I ended my teaching career was the day I began accepting Facebook Friend requests from my students.

It was, however, important to set some ground rules for myself:

1) I will not 'friend' a student; they must come to me. 
Otherwise, that's like stalker-ish right?-- seeking out my students on the big ol' FB... creepy
2) I will not initiate a 'chat' with a student; they much chat with me.
While I'm desperate to keep tabs on them and make sure they haven't dropped out of school, gotten pregnant, or been shot-- I'm not willing to risk seeming, once again, creepy.
3) I will not accept any child as a 'friend' unless I actually had them formerly in class. 
That means no sisters of my students, no cousins or uncles of my students, no students who had another teacher but knew me....no. Only. my. students.
4) They must all be placed on my "Limited Profile" list.  
This assures that they have no access to the pictures I get tagged in (since, for the most part, I'm drunk), they have no access to the party pictures I get tagged in (since, for the most part, I'm drunk), and they have no access to the idiotic wall posts or videos.  They are, for all intents and purposes, closed off from my world-- strictly forbidden from receiving even a single glimmer of insight into my real life away from school. In effect, I hope for them to continue to view me as a vice-free leadership figure.  I know for a fact they think I'm a dork, and that's the way I want it to remain.

So what do they get to see? The books I like, as well as controlled, hand-picked pictures from my travels to the Middle East; both an attempt to pique their interest in something other than Justin Bieber, Soulja Boy, and overly-sexualized rated R movies/shows. (Ughh like that new MTV series, Skins-- what is that crap!? Get it away from my precious students' eyes!)

Now that the parameters have been successfully set, let the friend requests come.