They have all the teachers packets. Thick ones; equipped with 7 lesson plans, worksheets, and supplementary teacher information. Our job: teach 5th graders about The Dreaded HIV.
As I perused the lessons one evening, I noticed two frightening things:
1) I was supposed to teach 10-12 year-olds facts and concepts about HIV that I myself didn't understand. Vocab words like "antibodies" and "antigens" and "T-cells" and how all these interact. Considering my student's had trouble with the word "pole" not too long ago, I was a little concerned.
2) The 5th lesson required me to explain to my children.... how one could contract HIV
(aka...sex.... SHIT!)
Both were problems. The first, I overcame with relative ease, thanks to my roommate's extremely creative mind. It involved a classroom conversation that likened the President of the United States, his bullet proof vest, his body guards, and assassins to our body, T-Cells, antibodies, and antigens, respectively. To this discussion, I added a drawing of the battle that ensues between these organisms, and my students even acted out the scene on the carpet. It was a huge success.
However, the second of these issues was something that, as a 23 year old, made me very nervous to address with my students. I decided very quickly that I would try to put off this topic as long as possible and avoid it as much as possible. So, after stretching the 4 early lessons into 8, I unwillingly approached my dreaded next lesson, the lesson about contracting HIV:
Me: Soooooo... children.... HIV.... uh.... how.. uh... how do you think you get it? Any ideas? (I'll let them bring it up; I don't want to have to say The Word.)
Yarella: My mom has HIV!
Me: Oooookkk then...let's save that information for lunch time (so I can ask you a million questions and then lead you to the nurse).
Peterson: Don't you get it like a cold? Like, maybe it just goes through the air...you know, germs.
Me: Great guess, but no. It doesn't actually spread by air or by any normal everyday contact. You can't actually get it from someone's germs, like you would with a cold.
Paula: So like, can you get it from drinking out of the same cup?
Me: No, again, you can't get it from someone's germs.
Paula: So like, can you get it from using the same spoon?
Me: What do you think?
Paul: No?
Me: No.
Paula: But like, what about if someone sneezes on you?
Me: Nope, those are germs, and germs don't count.
Paula: But like, what about if they cough on you?
Me: I'm not answering that. SOMEONE ELSE give me a suggestion.
Cruz: Maybe from blood? Like if your blood touches their blood? Like if you have a cut.
Me: YES! Good job! Any other ideas guys?
Dezireh: Needles? Like in movies? All those druggies?
Me: Yes, you're right. Whatever movies those are, you probably shouldn't be watching them. But we can talk about that later. There's one more way you can contract HIV, and its a very serious way. Any ideas?
(giggling, whispers, furtive glances)
Braiden (laughing): You know uh, uh, how can I say it, uh, well uh, you know Ms. Mystery....(No Braiden, why don't you tell me. My heart's beating really fast right now, I'm preparing for my class to erupt into madness as that teensey 3-letter word is about to be uttered...)
Braiden: Uh, well, uh, you know, uhhh you can get it by uh having.. uh... how can I say.. .uh... 'personal interactions!'
(giggling, snickering)
Me (in my head): BRILLIANT!!!! Everyone knows what he means but no one has actually said the word, GENIUS!
Me (out loud): Ha (choke) ha, yes, you're right. Very good. Does anyone have any questions?
27 hands shoot up in the air.
Me: Great, ask your parents. Get out your math books!
Welcome!
- Mystery Me
- I started writing this blog in 2008, toward the end of my first year of teaching. These posts about my experiences as an NYC Department of Education teacher have been (and continue to be) assembled over a period of several years. They don't necessarily need to be read in chronological order, but my very first post, "Context" (March 2008) might be useful as an introduction into this lunacy. While most of my stories highlight the ridiculousness of being a public school teacher, I should note that I love my students and care deeply for them. So as you read, please keep in mind that I do in fact have a soul, as well as a heart; and that heart of mine brims with pride every time I think about my students' talents and breaks with pain every time another one gets screwed by the system.
September 13, 2009
September 9, 2009
The First Day of School, Unique from All Others
Let me tell you a little secret: it's nothing like the movies.
"What?" you say , "you mean they're worse than what I see in the movies?"
No, my friend. They're better.
(Gasp: but that's impossible!)
And then you would be right.
Let me explain. The first day of the year is, ironically, the best day of the year. This day, and ONLY on this day, they are better than what you see in the movies. The little devils in disguise arrive at 8:30 on the dot (not 8:45, or 9:20, which is more customary throughout the rest of the year), all sprightly and on their best behavior. They say "excuse me please" rather than the more typical, (add head, hand, and eye rolling,)"excuuuuse you." They say please, they say thank you, they wait their turn in line. There are no fights. Far from it, there is indeed civility and respect.
And for the first and last time in a while, all eyes look at me for the entire day.
When the 4th grade teachers looked at my class list before the start of school, I heard a lot of, "Oh man, you have Justin? Oh shit, and Andy?! You know they can't be in the same room together."
"Oh no way, you're stuck with Alice too? That sucks. Especially since you also have Nealen."
"Oh God, not DeVon. He's awful. And Ovil too? You're screwed."
Great.
What's most fascinating about this particular First Day of School 2009 are the following:
1) Justin and Andy, the two evil children plaguing teachers for years, causing veteran teachers to meltdown, bringing razor blades to school, fighting, touching their wee-wees (list goes on), were the two most cooperative and helpful people in the classroom today.
How long will that last? I'm taking wagers, starting at two days. Anyone else?
2) Ovil can't read. Or write. Period.
Wait, I chose to teach 5th grade right? You know, the grade where kids read books like The Chronicles of Narnia, or Number the Stars. The grade where kids can read and follow directions by themselves without asking a million questions. The grade where you can be sarcastic and they actually get the joke. But teaching a kid short and long vowel sounds? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Is this some kind of sick joke? I mean, the kid couldn't complete any of the handouts! He couldn't complete the All About Me Survey. He couldn't complete the 10 Positive Character Traits worksheet. He couldn't write an acrostic poem using his name. And that's all 5th grade is! Handouts, handouts, and more handouts! How will he do his homework? He can't even fill out his nightly reading log because ... he CAN'T READ! How many pages read? NONE!
Maybe I'll stick him in a 1st grade class for a day. Or the rest of the year. He's small... they'd never know...
Day 1 is over, the best has passed. And now I descend into the hellish abyss that is the school year.
"What?" you say , "you mean they're worse than what I see in the movies?"
No, my friend. They're better.
(Gasp: but that's impossible!)
And then you would be right.
Let me explain. The first day of the year is, ironically, the best day of the year. This day, and ONLY on this day, they are better than what you see in the movies. The little devils in disguise arrive at 8:30 on the dot (not 8:45, or 9:20, which is more customary throughout the rest of the year), all sprightly and on their best behavior. They say "excuse me please" rather than the more typical, (add head, hand, and eye rolling,)"excuuuuse you." They say please, they say thank you, they wait their turn in line. There are no fights. Far from it, there is indeed civility and respect.
And for the first and last time in a while, all eyes look at me for the entire day.
When the 4th grade teachers looked at my class list before the start of school, I heard a lot of, "Oh man, you have Justin? Oh shit, and Andy?! You know they can't be in the same room together."
"Oh no way, you're stuck with Alice too? That sucks. Especially since you also have Nealen."
"Oh God, not DeVon. He's awful. And Ovil too? You're screwed."
Great.
What's most fascinating about this particular First Day of School 2009 are the following:
1) Justin and Andy, the two evil children plaguing teachers for years, causing veteran teachers to meltdown, bringing razor blades to school, fighting, touching their wee-wees (list goes on), were the two most cooperative and helpful people in the classroom today.
How long will that last? I'm taking wagers, starting at two days. Anyone else?
2) Ovil can't read. Or write. Period.
Wait, I chose to teach 5th grade right? You know, the grade where kids read books like The Chronicles of Narnia, or Number the Stars. The grade where kids can read and follow directions by themselves without asking a million questions. The grade where you can be sarcastic and they actually get the joke. But teaching a kid short and long vowel sounds? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Is this some kind of sick joke? I mean, the kid couldn't complete any of the handouts! He couldn't complete the All About Me Survey. He couldn't complete the 10 Positive Character Traits worksheet. He couldn't write an acrostic poem using his name. And that's all 5th grade is! Handouts, handouts, and more handouts! How will he do his homework? He can't even fill out his nightly reading log because ... he CAN'T READ! How many pages read? NONE!
Maybe I'll stick him in a 1st grade class for a day. Or the rest of the year. He's small... they'd never know...
Day 1 is over, the best has passed. And now I descend into the hellish abyss that is the school year.
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