How to Drive Teacher Crazy | eHow.com

Honestly, Nealen, dear child, did you write this???

How to Drive Teacher Crazy | eHow.com

Teach an HIV Unit? Shiiiit.

They have all the teachers packets. Thick ones; equipped with 7 lesson plans, worksheets, and supplementary teacher information. Our job: teach 5th graders about The Dreaded HIV.

As I perused the lessons one evening, I noticed two frightening things:
1) I was supposed to teach 10-12 year-olds facts and concepts about HIV that I myself didn't understand. Vocab words like "antibodies" and "antigens" and "T-cells" and how all these interact. Considering my student's had trouble with the word "pole" not too long ago, I was a little concerned.

2) The 5th lesson required me to explain to my children.... how one could contract HIV
(aka...sex.... SHIT!)


Both were problems. The first, I overcame with relative ease, thanks to my roommate's extremely creative mind. It involved a classroom conversation that likened the President of the United States, his bullet proof vest, his body guards, and assassins to our body, T-Cells, antibodies, and antigens, respectively. To this discussion, I added a drawing of the battle that ensues between these organisms, and my students even acted out the scene on the carpet. It was a huge success.

However, the second of these issues was something that, as a 23 year old, made me very nervous to address with my students. I decided very quickly that I would try to put off this topic as long as possible and avoid it as much as possible. So, after stretching the 4 early lessons into 8, I unwillingly approached my dreaded next lesson, the lesson about contracting HIV:

Me: Soooooo... children.... HIV.... uh.... how.. uh... how do you think you get it? Any ideas? (I'll let them bring it up; I don't want to have to say The Word.)
Yarella: My mom has HIV!
Me: Oooookkk then...let's save that information for lunch time (so I can ask you a million questions and then lead you to the nurse).
Peterson: Don't you get it like a cold? Like, maybe it just goes through the air...you know, germs.
Me: Great guess, but no. It doesn't actually spread by air or by any normal everyday contact. You can't actually get it from someone's germs, like you would with a cold.

Paula: So like, can you get it from drinking out of the same cup?
Me: No, again, you can't get it from someone's germs.
Paula: So like, can you get it from using the same spoon?
Me: What do you think?
Paul: No?
Me: No.
Paula: But like, what about if someone sneezes on you?
Me: Nope, those are germs, and germs don't count.
Paula: But like, what about if they cough on you?
Me: I'm not answering that. SOMEONE ELSE give me a suggestion.

Cruz: Maybe from blood? Like if your blood touches their blood? Like if you have a cut.
Me: YES! Good job! Any other ideas guys?
Dezireh: Needles? Like in movies? All those druggies?
Me: Yes, you're right. Whatever movies those are, you probably shouldn't be watching them. But we can talk about that later. There's one more way you can contract HIV, and its a very serious way. Any ideas?
(giggling, whispers, furtive glances)

Braiden (laughing): You know uh, uh, how can I say it, uh, well uh, you know Ms. Mystery....(No Braiden, why don't you tell me. My heart's beating really fast right now, I'm preparing for my class to erupt into madness as that teensey 3-letter word is about to be uttered...)
Braiden: Uh, well, uh, you know, uhhh you can get it by uh having.. uh... how can I say.. .uh... 'personal interactions!'

(giggling, snickering)

Me (in my head): BRILLIANT!!!! Everyone knows what he means but no one has actually said the word, GENIUS!
Me (out loud): Ha (choke) ha, yes, you're right. Very good. Does anyone have any questions?

27 hands shoot up in the air.

Me: Great, ask your parents. Get out your math books!

The First Day of School, Unique from All Others

Let me tell you a little secret: it's nothing like the movies.
"What?" you say , "you mean they're worse than what I see in the movies?"
No, my friend. They're better.
(Gasp: but that's impossible!)
And then you would be right.

Let me explain. The first day of the year is, ironically, the best day of the year. This day, and ONLY on this day, they are better than what you see in the movies. The little devils in disguise arrive at 8:30 on the dot (not 8:45, or 9:20, which is more customary throughout the rest of the year), all sprightly and on their best behavior. They say "excuse me please" rather than the more typical, (add head, hand, and eye rolling,)"excuuuuse you." They say please, they say thank you, they wait their turn in line. There are no fights. Far from it, there is indeed civility and respect.
And for the first and last time in a while, all eyes look at me for the entire day.

When the 4th grade teachers looked at my class list before the start of school, I heard a lot of, "Oh man, you have Justin? Oh shit, and Andy?! You know they can't be in the same room together."
"Oh no way, you're stuck with Alice too? That sucks. Especially since you also have Nealen."
"Oh God, not DeVon. He's awful. And Ovil too? You're screwed."
Great.

What's most fascinating about this particular First Day of School 2009 are the following:

1) Justin and Andy, the two evil children plaguing teachers for years, causing veteran teachers to meltdown, bringing razor blades to school, fighting, touching their wee-wees (list goes on), were the two most cooperative and helpful people in the classroom today.

How long will that last? I'm taking wagers, starting at two days. Anyone else?

2) Ovil can't read. Or write. Period.
Wait, I chose to teach 5th grade right? You know, the grade where kids read books like The Chronicles of Narnia, or Number the Stars. The grade where kids can read and follow directions by themselves without asking a million questions. The grade where you can be sarcastic and they actually get the joke. But teaching a kid short and long vowel sounds? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Is this some kind of sick joke? I mean, the kid couldn't complete any of the handouts! He couldn't complete the All About Me Survey. He couldn't complete the 10 Positive Character Traits worksheet. He couldn't write an acrostic poem using his name. And that's all 5th grade is! Handouts, handouts, and more handouts! How will he do his homework? He can't even fill out his nightly reading log because ... he CAN'T READ! How many pages read? NONE!
Maybe I'll stick him in a 1st grade class for a day. Or the rest of the year. He's small... they'd never know...

Day 1 is over, the best has passed. And now I descend into the hellish abyss that is the school year.

In the meantime...

In the beginning there was Mildred

I first realized Mildred couldn't subtract in early October. Mildred, a very fat, big, saggy-boobed 4th grader with brown teeth and gnarly cornrows couldn't subtract 4-1.

Ok, that was a problem. So I spent some time tutoring her one-to-one:
Me: "Mildred, count backwards from 5 for me."
Her: 5....6....
Me: No, no... BACKwards...
Her: 5....6....
Me: Ok, let's try this: count up to 5 for me
Her: 1,2,3,4,5
Me: AWESOME! Now, what was the number you said righhttt before "5"?
Her: ...6...?
Me: Shit.

Me: (I draw a number line that has 1 thru 5 on it.) Mildred, write a number for me that's bigger than 5.
Mildred draws the number 5.... BIGGER.
Me: Shit, you're right, I was unclear.. write a number that's GREATER than 5.
Mildred gives up, confused.
Me: Jesus Christ.

Now I hand her 5 starburst and I give myself 23.
Me: Mildred, count all of these...
(She does this successfully)
Me: Now, be careful... who has more... me or you?
Mildred: It's the same.
Me: (thinking:) ITS THE SAME?!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND TOOO!?!?

Me: ok let's try that again.... Now, pretend that you're STARVING! And all you want to do is stuff your face with as much food as possible. Would you rather take the 5 starburst, or would you rather take allll 23?
Mildred: Well, I think its the same.
Me: Wait, you're saying you would take either, they're the same to you?
Mildred: Yea.

That was when I realized she needed to be in special ed class. FAST.

Boys are stalkers

We started a new reading unit today: Social Issues. So, in preparation for the unit, we sat down in an oblong square-type awkward formation on the rug to have a class discussion about one social issue in particular. Gender.

First, I asked my students to reflect on what it means to them to be a boy, what it means to be a girl, how they perceive boys, and how they perceive girls. After they were writing furiously for 20 minutes, they discussed their opinions in their groups and then we finally moved to the rug for the big kahuna discussion. The whole purpose of this was for my kids to understand that as they read social issues books, they need to consider a) how they feel about the issue, b) how the issue is often portrayed in the world (aka, the media, in their communities, in books), and c) how the author has chosen to portray the issue.

So, Deezireh, as usual, with her cocky little attitude (although, really Deezireh, when you're 12, and you've failed 4th grade twice now, and this is your third time here, do you really think you need to have an attitude?) starts off the conversation, "I think boys are stalkers."
"Deezireh, what do you mean by this?"
"Well, you know, like, when you be walkin' down the street, they be lookin' at you, all like, heeey, and then they be following you and they be whistlin' and stuff.... and they like, you know, they give you them looks, like 'how youuu doin gurrrl, you fiiine.'"
"I see... I mean, I'm just curious, where are you getting this from? Because, I don't see any of the boys in this class doing that..?"
"My father. He does it all the time."
Others chime in, "yea yea"

WOW.
The rest of the classroom discussion goes similarly. NOT A SINGLE child mentioned what I was expecting.. you know, the generic, "Girls like to shop and boys like to play sports." Instead, all of the comments I got were adult observations, habits they've noticed from their parents: nagging, getting drunk, dancing up on each other, clubbing and coming home late, being called 'hoes'......the list goes on.

Should I have known better?

This is 4th grade!!!! Where did their innocence go?!?

Lost it. Sorry? Nope.

whisper whisper whisper... hush...papers ruffling...eyes darting back and forth... murmurs...

"Oh, she's scary.." said Deezireh.
"Yea she was pissed!" Peterson's eyes got real wide.

That's what my kids were saying 5 hours later.

At 9:45 in the morning however, the room was dead silent, as a wrathful, visceral, scathing verbal deluge of outrage spewed from deep in my gut to the guilty ears of two of my children.

Paula and Ilieh had been arguing back and forth about who had raised their hand first for approximately 10 minutes. They bickered like an old married couple, unabashedly, obliviously, and uncontrollably, as the class just sat back and watched in horror. The other 25 kids in the class knew exactly what was about to happen, and they were sure as hell gonna stay out of it. They had all just learned the word "fester." They could see it in my eyes, and in the way my hands started to clench real tight on the books I was holding, and in the way my veins started to become more conspicuous on my forehead; they knew something inhuman was festering inside of me, as I watched and waited for Paula and Ilieh to recognize the gross selfishness of their behavior.

Like a clap of thunder so startling that they both jumped out of their seats, I threw my books on the floor as hard as I could, and emitted fury like a pit bull in a dogfight. My teeth were bared, I was angry as hell, and Paula and Ilieh looked like two deer caught in headlights. I'm not sure I actually said anything coherent, it was mostly just animalistic noises. Nevertheless, it had the desired effect. After that, it took me 20 minutes of absolute silence so that I could calm my voice down enough to speak at a measured, moderated, tone.

They've been angels ever since.

Ghetto Pillsbury Dough Boy

DeJuan is my favorite kid in class. By far. He has so many nicknames I need to keep lists of them. My three favorites: Pip-squeak, Oompa-Loompa, and Pillsbury Dough Boy.

He has the roundest, cutest chipmunk cheeks in the universe. From time to time, I swear chestnut crumbs fall from his mouth onto his desk. His lips are the color of a cherry coral, and his short little body is identical to that of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. He has grimy, fat, little fingers-- you know-- the kind you imagine Gretel had when the witch finally decided she was plump enough to eat; and when I poked him square in the belly-button today, a sound reminiscent of my dog's squeaky toy was emitted from his cute little, baby-tooth-smiling mouth.

On several occasions, I find myself having ridiculous urges to eat him or to pick him up and swing him around my body in a graceful spin move as if I was Brian Boitano and he was my Christie Yamaguchi. Other times, I hold the top of his head in my palm (he's right at elbow height, its perfect) and refuse to let go. On more than one occasion, I've found it eerily enjoyable to stick my pencil up his nose and in his ears. And when he gets really upset about something, he bows his head so low that he can't walk straight without running into something. He has the most endearing pout I have ever seen, and I can only be mad at him for about the 3 seconds that I'm yelling, and in the snap of your fingers, my anger turns into laughter, as I look at his puppy-dog eyes, chipmunk cheeks, and fat bottom lip.
Whenever this happens, (and believe me, my anger gives way to a disturbing, eerie kind of cackling laughter more than it should), my class looks utterly perplexed. I revel in their confusion, milk their perception of me as a lunatic who's about to go off the deep end at any minute, and continue on my merry way.

He called her a Jerk.

THIS IS FUCKING HARASSMENT WOMAN! I yell into my phone as I listen to yet another 2-minute long voice message from Ms. Sherry Annette Fern:

"Hi Ms. Mystery, time now, 4:56. Ms. Mystery, Roberto called Mildred a jerk today. And another boy made fun of her breasts because they're big....Mildred! Who was that boy?!....You have to tell me. Think carefully. I need a name!... Anywho... these kids, they come to school to learn, not to be teased. She just can't help that they're so big. She's a big girl. But that's no reason to be called a jerk. Ms. Mystery, you better set this right, before I come over there and fix it myself. Tell them to stop picking on Mildred. She ain't done nothing wrong. And I told her not to curse back, but if they be cursing at her, well then I told her to curse right back. Just as long as you don't catch her. 'Do it when Ms. Mystery's not listening,' I tell her. Anywho, I'll know you'll make it .... beeeep."

The voice mail machine cuts her off. Shockingly, she doesn't call back to finish her message. Most times she leaves voice messages so long that she has to leave her messages in thirds. Apparently, 2 minutes isn't enough time before the beep, so she averages about 6 minutes per each entire message, from beginning to end (not counting pause time in between dials).

After quickly thanking the heavens above for the brevity of her message, the anger hits me:
FUCK! They're in 4th grade! NO SHIT your 9-year old daughter's gonna be picked on when she's lugging around sagging Double Ds down to her knees that you can see through the mesh shirt in which you dressed her this morning!

And let's be honest lady, when was the last time the word, "jerk" hurt anybody's feelings...ever?

Never.

Ms. Mystery, what's a pole?

Holly: Ms. Mystery, what's a "pole?"

In my head: [DID YOU REALLY JUST ASK ME WHAT A "POLE" IS!?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT'S A POLE?"!?
YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT TEQUILA IS BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A POLE IS?!!?!]

But on the surface, my face is stoic and calm. My demeanor is motherly and forgiving.
"Oh, pole, of course. You know... think of a basketball hoop. You've got the hoop/net part, and then you have that big long thing that sticks out of the ground that its attached to. That big long thing... that's a pole."
"Ohhhhh so like a stick?" Holly says. Roberto just looks at me, wide-eyed with utter fascination.
"Uh, yea, sure. Why not."

Some teachers say there's no such thing as a stupid question. I say bullshit.

"Context"

One of the vocab words today was "context." I defined it as: the surrounding or related information that helps you understand something; the background information. I inadvertently find out four hours later that my kids don't know what "background" means.
Fucking great.

This is the first time I'm writing in this blog, so I figured I'd give you a little bit of a... context... to what you're reading, so that it alll makes sense from here-on in.

Context:
I just graduated from college last May 2007. Now, I'm living and working in NYC, the city that never sleeps. Most of my friends are in law or investment banking.  However, instead of following my peers into the corporate world, I joined Teach for America. Why? I don't know. Kids make me feel awkward.  But I did it. And here I am, working as a full-time 4th grade teacher in Harlem at a high-needs public school.
Experience working with kids? None.
Experience in education? None.
'Loves kids?' Certainly not. 
Knowledge of the Lattice method of multiplication? You're guess is as good as mine.
Unrelenting passion to 'close the achievement gap?' Maybe a little?

An interesting ride? Most definitely.